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The Ending To Something That Never Really Began. [13 May 2007|12:22pm]
[ mood | stubborn ]

I've found that i've used Livejournal to vent at the times when i've been at my lowest. Does that mean that i need to start talking to people more? I don't think so, i just don't want the people i have been talking to to get sick of me or really just frown and go shut up stupid girl i'm busy. Not that they would; that is simply my mind going 'well thats what they're thinking.'

Well what i hve to say i suppose is that its finally done. The end has come and the waters are calm. And once again i find that i become a kind of poet when i write. Over flowery prose that romanticises the situation into a crescendo of drama that makes it a much more glamorous prospect that it actually is.

I never thought that the words that pretty much just sum up to 'fuck off and leave me alone' would come up in the conversations that i had with Michael, but pretty much thats what it came down to. I just got so frustrated and angry at how selfish he was being. The perfect example of someone having their cake and eating it at the same time i suppose. I'm confident writing this in my livejournal since the only friends that i have on here are people i actually know and will always care about me.

The situation is that Michael and i never actually got back together after our second break up which i know many of you will frown upon cos we did end up sleeping together quite a few times after that and spent time together. So essentially, while neither of us admitted it, we were together but not officially. Now time passed and Michael is going to Ireland for a business trip, which made me force myself to see the situation and basically asked him if we should stop whatever it was we were doing for good.

After getting over the initial misunderstanding (he said he wasn't coming to see me before he was leaving for 2 months, to which i said on the unrelatedness of him not seeing me that we should end things. He thought i was pissed at him not coming to see me, which while i was a little that wasn't why i brought it up. I had been thinking about us never working out for a very long time... Doesn't stop you from caring about someone though.) So yes, after the initial misunderstanding it came down to me bringing up the fact that he still can't give me what i need...and i don't think that what i want is too much to ask in any normal situation. But never being able to receive love from the person that you feel that you could fall in love with is something that hurts beyond belief.

I'm not saying that i was like 'LOVE ME BITCH' lol not that at all, i just needed the reassurance that there was a POSSIBILITY of him ever truly having pure affections for me. I'm not in love with Michael, i can say that truthfully, but i do love him. I can't say that for him.

When i say i was sick of his selfishness, i was referring to the fact that while he freely admitted really not being able to open up to me and not loving me, he was unwilling to let me go. He said so many things that i know he does mean, but it's not enough. Yes, i know he cares about me and i know that he enjoys my company and i also know that its not all about the sex. Despite him being able to say 'i care about you so much and i'm so scared of losing you because i care about you so much' i can't stand being simply company anymore.

Yes, you may care about me Michael, but you have no idea how much it hurts to be constantly held at a distance. Even when i was lying with you, in your arms, i could feel that you were so distant. I was so happy, those short times where you truly were carefree with me. When you were laughing so hard that you almost lost control driving. When you sung so badly in english to Japanese songs. But the fact remains is that those were tiny glimpses, a miniscule percentage of the time we spent together. I was always waiting for those times that are so rare. And while people might say that i was greedy to ask for more, thats just the way it is. Isn't it a natural reaction to mean more to a person you hold so dear?

I am not just going to stand by and be just another person to him.

I'm not going to let myself think that i'm not enough for you.

Because essentially that is what you are saying. As much as you say you care about me and that it hurts you that your losing me, its not enough for you to let me in and i can't ask so little from you. Not when i want to give you so much.

And so this is my goodbye. My end to my first. It's taken three months. Can you imagine? We became a couple on November 8th 2006. We first broke up on the 22nd February 2007, which made it 3 and a 1/2 months, it took another three months to cut ties completely. I always knew that emotions made things cloudy, but experiencing it is something completely different. I know that it will probably be another few months before i'm able to think of Michael as just a friend. Well he'll never be just a friend, but to be able to think of Michael and for it to not hurt. To think of him and completely not want to be with him. To be able to be happy for him for when he finally finds a person worthwhile enough for him to open up again, because so far, that time isn't now, and that person is most definitely not me.

I am sad, but i wont be for long. I have wonderful friends, and i'm about to end my exams and be free for a few months at least. I have a career to look forward to that i know i will love, and a life that has barely begun yet. I'm not going to let one person hold me back now.

Back to work!!! Bring it on!

(2 (>o<) want some sugar, sugar?)

A temporary low [24 Feb 2007|06:20pm]
First and foremost i must apologise to all my friends who have been most patient and caring about me this last week from when i've ranged from homrnally strange to down right weird to heartbroken. I know i must be a drip at the moment and i sincerely apologise for putting this on all of you.

I hope this will be the last time i need to vent liket his beacuset o be quite honest i'm tired of crying. I'm exhausted mentally and physically which i never thought happened from crying. Just goes to show i'm just not really the crying type. I also want to stop thinking that Michael will miraculously turn up outside my door, calling me out to see him again to tell me he still wants to be with me without the stupid deadline, which might i add is a ridiculous impossibility that shouldn't have entered my head but i suppose that this is my girlie side finally emerging.

Oh god i hate being so pathetic.

I always thought that i was in control of the situstion, that i could keep my self detatched and just enjoy our time together for what it was... But that was also a ridiculous since i'm such an emotional person anyway, i get attached to things far too easily. This is not to say that i regret ever being with him because i really dont. I loved spending time with him, i loved doing things with and and even though we weren't the most active couple and i still find it strange to have ever called him my boyfriend i had a good time with him.

As you can probably read i did get attached and that got me in such a giant bog and i've had to make such a hard decision to stop everything now before i got even more attached and when septemeber rolled round i'll be the one dumped, alone and completely devestated. I'd like to think i was stronger ending it now rather than letting it drag on till our deadline. In my heart i didn't want to but my mind screams logic at me and i can't ignore that. Whilst my heart is not broken it is very much bruised as it would with anyone i'm close with cutting off all contact.

That i think is what makes me cry. It took me an day and an age to figure out why i cry when i know the solution i came up with is best for us both; its because i know i'll never see him again andt hat kills me because despite everything i really do care about him whether it be as a friend or romantically i simply care. I dont like the fact that i'm completely and utterly cut off. Did i really not mean that much? Am i that eaily forgotton? Am i not worth this tenuous link however small? Its not even as if we would be bezt buddies or whatever i have no dillusions about that but simply knowing that he is there is a comfort.

A text, this potentially impersonal means of communication once in a while is that really too much to ask or am i just being pathetic to think that i need him to be there? I'm not saying i need him, dont get me wrong, i'd like to think i'm quite a strong person and i'll be able to deal with this situation quite quickly i think but as i stated in this title, this is a temporary low. It's just that its like having someone you care about being snatched away from you which is almost as if they'd died with their non existance. Am i grieving him? Well i suppose my grieving and missing him are the same thing really.

Ugh i hate the fact that i question my self worth. I really honestly thought that i was stronger than this. I never thought i'd be the girl to pine and wish that this or that guy return to her in a flurry of proclamations...Oh geez, pathetic really pathetic.

I also think this is a way of me coping. By getting angry at myself for being so pathetic i force myself to face reality and move on. First i really need to stop looking at my phone every few minutes. Bad habit or even waiting for a text message from him. I'm so very glad that he doesn't use the internet much to see this really really really pathetic confession.

I also realise that i hate being a weak person. Michael made me see that. I really hate seeing myself being pathetic. I have such an image in my mind of being strong that i sometimes forget that i am indeed human and there are people that can hurt me.
It's my own damn fault anyways. Michael told me from the beginning that there would be a deadline and that he was such a closed person and that i'd never realy get close to his heart and i went and tried to dive in anyway. Silly girl. I have no one to blame but myself, and for those who say that Michael is to blame for getting me involved when he knew that he would be a bad match i'l have to defend that with saying that i assured him that i was having a good time and i was trying not to get attached and when i did feel that i was getting too attached i'd end it.

So really i have noone to blame but myself and i dont blame anyone but myself because this is simply my own mess and not i vent in a way that i hope will not annoy anyone because if you do not wish to read simply ignore this post.

Bottom line is; I miss him terribly, i hate not having any contact with him, i hate being forgotton and meaning so little to someone.

But like i said this is a temporary low. I will get up off my ass at some point and get this giant pile of work done. Blasted university. Fuck. I wonder when the tears stop?

(want some sugar, sugar?)

[12 Feb 2007|03:38pm]
H: You have a very good personality and good looks.
I: You are great in bed.
L: You like to drink.
L: You like to drink.

Y: Best b/f g/f anyone could ever ask for.
I: You are great in bed.
N: You like to drink.
G: You never let people tell you what to do.

C: You are really silly.
H: You have a very good personality and good looks.
A: You like to drink.
N: You like to drink.

Delete my name then copy the note and find out what your name means

A : You like to drink
B : You like people.
C : You are really silly.
D : You like to drink.
E : awesome kisser.
F : You are dead sexy.
G : You never let people tell you what to do.
H : You have a very good personality and good looks.
I : You are great in bed.
J : People Adore You
K : You're wild and crazy.
L : You like to drink
M : best kisser ever.
N: You like to drink.
O: Easy to fall in love with
P : You are popular with all types of people.
Q : You are a hypocrite.
R : Easy to fall in love with.
S : Fuckin crazy.
T : Easy to fall in love with.
U : You really like to chill.
V : You are not judgemental.
W : You are very broad minded.
X : You like to drink
Y : Best g/f b/f anyone could ever ask for.
Z : Always ready
(want some sugar, sugar?/)

(want some sugar, sugar?)

Long time no update... [19 Dec 2006|02:20am]
Ok so i must apologise for the lack of updatingness, though i have to admit that i've been so very busy lately and it has been only since recently that i've been able to breath without the guilt of work.

Today has not been a good day, well ok i'll give it more credit than that. This morning and afternoon was not good, the evening was though. I awoke with crippling abdominal pains which actually led to a rather noisy fall down the stairs. Don't worry, it was only a small fall and it was more the pain in my stomach that had me distracted and kinda half passing out. This continued all hours of daylight where i was laying on the floor for a lot of the time until i could haul myself into the sofa fort and lie very still, often drifting into sleep so as to relieve the pain. Hence the time of thsi post... its been a while since i've stayed up this late rather sadly lol

Later during the night though i watched shanghai noon with Becca and ordered chinese which was good, though now i'm feeling really rather fat. Oh there is not free happiness is there?

What has perplexed me recently though is Michael. Lol so much in one simple name, well at least i've stopped calling him Simon or Nick or Ben lolol that was rather amusing but embarrassing to say the least. I think i've caught the trait of over thinking off of him or someone else at least, maybe even perhaps erin lol I'm just thinking that is there actually a future here??? Considering that i wont see him probably until Janurary since were both busy in the time that i'm back at the uni house and even then its difficult. Due to circumstances it will be difficult for me to see him during the week and on the weekeneds, for a short while at least, i'll have to go back on the weekeneds to see my dad so there really isn't much time for us to see each other.

Once a week i suppose will be possible, hopefully that won't arise suspicion from people who aren't suppose to know about us. Which is another thing, even though its something that will happen like WAY in the future, if there is one for us, i'm just wondering would it actually work? Considering those who would oppose us... very much a problem but i suppose i don't really need to think about it right now since it really is just an early days thing. And i still find it rather odd to think of myself with a boyfriend...very strange indeed. Even to the extent that someone asked me hows my bloke and i was like 'my bloke????' until i finally clicked lol Dappy yes i know.

What i'm most hooked up on i suppose is that i really don't know what he thinks of me...I seriously don't, Which is putting me on edge slightly i think. Am i just sex? Lol doubtful since i know that much about his character but i suppose i'm just to him as he is to me at this point and that's potential. Nothing more, nothing less. There isn't over feelings put in there, its just what it is which i think is ok...Isn't it?

Oh my i think i'm just rambling now. What to do, what to do. Nothing i suppose. Going to see the holiday with becca tomorrow. Don't know if Erin's going to be there. Probably not for obvious reasons. It's bad that its more because that i'm bored that i think of MIchael, and i know when i go back home i really wont think of him that much because i'll be surrounded by family and fun...and work...fuck forgot about all that shit... oh well.

Wow this really is a long post. And if you've read until this far you really are a friend to read my woes lol. Have a good Christmas everybody. Hope it'll be as great as mine!

(2 (>o<) want some sugar, sugar?)

[02 Nov 2006|05:42pm]
[ mood | fat ]

It is Emma's birthday today, heheh YAY!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOTHER! hehehe hope my wishes reach you! :P

So yes, updating once again and things are rather quiet. Yesterday was Halloween at the Union, and to be honest, it wasn't the most AMAZING night at the union what with all the pricks running into you and what not. But there was a perk lol

Two years ago, which would be my first year of uni, on valentines day, i received an email from one 'Paul Frank' saying that he liked me and that although i probably had a boyfriend he wanted to say something lol. So anyways i replied and got a replied but that's how far it got. And so for a while i pondered who this person could be but then i forgot completely about it. Quite sadly in those pondering weeks i was hoping for replies and entered him into my email address book under the rather embarrassing title 'secret admirer.'

And so after two years i've finally found out who this person was. Actually it was a rather random occurance. Last night, at the Union, i was dancing with the girls and i get tapped on the shoulder. So i turn around and this bloke says 'i have something to confess' to which i think 'oh my god this is going to be a really cheesey chat up line' but i just said 'okaaaay....' lol

Paul Frank - "you know you got those emails from someone called Paul Frank a while ago?
Me - *glazed look until it finally clicks* oh yeah, i remember.
Paul Frank - "that was me..."
Me - "Oh....OH!!! Oh :|"
Paul Frank - "I was too shy to say something then, but i thought i'd better say something now. Do you remember me? You beat me at Street Fighter 2."
Me - *Thinks god that was when i was dressed as a mew mew* Hahaha yeah i kinda remember i think. You should have said something earlier! What is your name anyways???
Paul Frank - "Michael"
Me - "Well at least now i can stop calling you Mercucio!"
Michael - "Well i was thinking if you had time, we could go for coffee some time?"
Me - "Yeah sure, want to take my number? Or will you wait another few years?"
Michael - *laughs* "Nah i'll take it"

*Types in number, and make good byes with him promising to get in touch tomorrow*

And just as i made that entry i get a text lol how fun lol So yes there will be coffee, or in my case hot chocolate, next week. Much fun lol. All this dating Malarky is actually quite fun! I like it, makes me think why i didn't do it earlier. Well i know why i didn't, i was far to shy and underconfident, but still its so much fun! And we meet new people lol.

On the other side of things i stepped into a massive hole. When i least expected it i actually found out that i do indeed fancy this person that i mentioned previously. NOt to the oh my god i can't breathe without you being there, but in a way where my thoughts sort of drift when i day dream and he seems to pop into my head. Or then again i might just be horny, i did afterall have my period. But oh well, i've sort of resigned myself to his disinterest and the doomed ending of anything that could have possibly started and so i'm just wandering so to say.

Tralala, yeah i really should be doing some work now so i'm going to leave this as it is. I shall update later with what not. woo. love to all!

(2 (>o<) want some sugar, sugar?)

Rather Rather RATHER belatedly. [19 Oct 2006|02:54pm]
[ mood | relieved ]

Hello there to all my pretties! I know i had once said that i would keep up with all of my updating on this rather spiffy updating livejournal internet thingy magic, but i'm afraid i have been rather distracted by several things! How peculiar!

First i must send my love to you all, especially those that i do not live with at the moment, we must get together very soon or i will cry and weep and hunt you all down with a feverent need to hug you! SMOOCHES!

On the other hand, has anyone else realised how crappy it is to be a third year (EEEEEEK! THIRD YEAR!) I don't FEEL any older but simply the fact that i have the responsibility to actually do the work and want to get a first at the end of this rather complexly money earning degree is driving me insane. I realised that all the work that i skipped last year was actually a horrendous amount and also i'm glad i skipped it! I've so much reading to do at the moment and its all driving me rather mad.

Once again i must mention the fact that when i write in this LJ i seem to revert back to being a rather posh lass who has not spent the last two years of ther life in egham/staines. My language has gone absolutely to pot and i do infact speak chav now to my utmost disgust. I can't help it! It just simply slips out! How vulgar.

On the subject of third year-ness, does anyone else have this following problem? Being a third year, and thus far superior *cough cough* do you immediately find second years untouchable? As in you wouldn't really consider going out with them. I mean they're nice people and all and if i meet them before i find out that they're a second year i'm fine with it, but if i know before hand i'm simply turned off the idea...Bum.

REVELATIONS!!! I'm not horrendously unattractive!!! How peculiar! Following recent events that have cropped up in my life which i apologise for not updating upon, i have found that members of the opposite sex actually sporadically, find me attractive??? Are my ears deceiving me? It makes me feel rather happy that fact actually ehehehe, and rather girlish hahaha which is also very peculiar. What's next on my agenda? Playing with this new found attractiveness lol nah i'm not that much of a whore, but it is nice to look up when your at a bar and find a guy (a nice one not one that looks smutty) giving you a wink and a once over. Considering? I think so! For once in my life i'm not a hermit! BWHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAH

What else shall I update on? Umm well there are some people that i am finding myself getting rather attached to and i'm not sure what to make of it really. One is nice and i am interested but am uncertain of his thoughts in return whilst the other i'm sure has intentions towards yours truly yet i think i'm rather detached and more interested in a friendly banter more than anything...Interesting no? I am, however, treading carefully. I am not going power crazy and really really dont want to ruined relationships left right and centre...Woo?

*sigh* I am in the computer centre supposedly suppose to be doing work of some kind but as you can see i have rather wandered away from that fact. Not that i dont want to do work *cough* more the fact that i didn't check before i came to uni where my work was suppose to be coming from and it is indeed from my text book...at home...and there isn't one in the library. So while i wait for becca to come out of her lecture i have decided to update. This is rather unusual yet i find it rather satisfying and therapeutic to get all this out on here without the prying eyes of persons who wish to know what i think... Not that i mind terribly afterwards its just that i'm, what was that word becca said? Coy i think it was. Indeed i am coy, and i have no idea why. I dont mind talking about stuff of other people but when it comes to me i'm rather...coy... strange? I suppose its because i'm still believing in the fact that its not supposed to be happening to me and i'm breaking some sort of taboo lol ridiculous i know. Must break that habit.

Another habit i'm trying to break is sucking my damn thumb. You might have noticed. Yes i suck my thumb and yes i am twenty...going one twenty one... Its been 3 days and im going strong!!! Its a disgusting habit and i'm trying to finally bloody kick it. apparently its a comfort thing...am i really that an insecure person??? I would say yes. If i was someone else looking at me and studying my body language at certain times, i'm fucking insecure about my own persons. Well thats something to change now again eh??? Oh well, this has been fun but its now 15:10 and becca still hasn't tried to contact me yet. thats rather odd no? I'll leave this as it is and shall up date again if i deem necessary.

Fare thee well!

(want some sugar, sugar?)

[24 Sep 2006|11:27pm]
Ah joy, i am back at uni now. I also intend to dance my none existance socks off! Go freshers week!

(2 (>o<) want some sugar, sugar?)

Meme! (What does that mean anyways?) [21 Sep 2006|07:44pm]
Stolen from menstrualmiko to keep me occupied and my mind off of food...mmmm, food.

I want to know 28 things about you. I don't care if we've never talked, never liked each other, or if we already know everything about each other. I really don't. You are obviously on my list, so let me know with whom I am friends!

1. Your Middle Name:
2. Age:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favorite Movie:
5. Favorite Song:
6. Favorite Band/Artist:
7. Dirty or Clean:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:


1. Do we know each other outside of LJ?
2. Whats your philosophy on life?
3. Would you have my back in a fight?
4. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
5. What is your favorite memory of us?
6. Would you give me a kidney?
7. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
8. Would you take care of me when I'm sick?
9. Can we get together and make a cake?
10. Have you heard any rumors of me lately?
11. Do you/have you talk(ed) crap about me?
12. Do you think I'm a good person?
13. Would you drive across country with me?
14. Do you think I'm attractive?
15. If you could change anything about me, would you?
16. What do you wear to sleep?
17. Would you come over for no reason just to hang out?
18. Would you go on a date with me if i asked you?
19. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?
20. Will you repost this so i can fill it out for you?

(want some sugar, sugar?)

Change! Well, sort of... [23 Aug 2006|07:05pm]
[ mood | thankful, loved, cherished. ]

Ahhhh since monday i've realised so many things, changes mostly. I've really accepted that i've grown up to a certain extent. The most dramatic thing really, is that after a rather abrupt conversation with my godbrother with him asking me about my mum and what really happened since he is actually two years younger, making him 7 at the time. I didn't really understand then, let alone him.

And being old enough to understand, i realise that i cause my mother more pain in her last moments than i ever could have had she lived to a natural age. Which while my brain says is not my fault, my heart is screaming guilt at me. Well was anyway. I spent a good few hours yesterday sobbing to myself and the computer as i was talking to my sister about it, so now i feel better. I remember so much and yet its so little on the grander scale of things, but what i have i remember so clearly and i'm really thankful for that.

I've started to go walking in the hills with my dad in the mornings, and as such we're talking a lot more despite my stunted cantonese. I've learnt a lot more and though i thought i could not respect my father more, i do. Just stories about his past makes me think how lucky i am to have THIS life and to have such an amazing dad. Just a random one that popped into my head is that he used to work so hard in the fields in the blistering heat that he sweated buckets and his back ended up white at the end of the day. I asked him, why white??? And he simply replied, because of the salt in your sweat. Now that is a lot of salt!

I'm also alot closer to my family, since they've now accepted the fact that i'm actualy an adult in my own right and i've accepted the fact that i'm not a sulking teenager anymore. What a realisation huh? And another thing, although i know, its just so great that my family are just so close. yeah fair enough we confide in each other and what not but also the fact that we're all TRULY happy when we're together, to the point where we're laughing so much that there's happy tears lol Mainly due to the fact that my brothers and third sisters constantly play fight that may or may not end up in injuries lol. It's our humour as well, something that i've yet to meet someone with the same kind, or understand it at least.

Had an amazing time (surprisingly) with my godmother, her sister and her husband, one of her workers and my youngest god brother. I though my car cramming days were over...i was wrong. We only took one car to have dim sum in MK...Not bad really but not as good as China Town. We went bowling and were loud in a way that only chinese people can be, where every shot got a bellowed "GOOD!" in cantonese lol and a round of applause to boot. I wasn't even embarrassed, in fact i contributed to the loudness lol.

I think i've grown in confidence. I don't shy away so easily anymore and i think if there were any attempts by the opposite gender to handle me i could deal with it now... Funny huh? Hehe i'm liking these new things that i've discovered. I'm working hard to get a body to befit it lol, well kinda i'm just toning up some what. Couldn't run today cos it was raining so i had to go do aerobics instead, but it's all good. I'll make it up tomorrow.

Here i make a tribute to Yuk Chun Chan. The most amazing, gorgeous and kind hearted person ever to be born into this world. I love you and you will always be in my mind, heart and soul. Thank you for all you have given me and my children and the generations after me will know of you and dad, so that you're memory will live on forever.

(want some sugar, sugar?)

[20 Aug 2006|03:04pm]
I love my family. It's just never boring to be around them. We were, rather uncharacteristically, having a rather sensible debate over the dinner table (after we had finished eating) about the insurance man who has to pay his wife 400 million as a divorce settlement. My brother and godbrother took the side of the man saying that the woman didn't do anything while my two sisters were screaming about the relationship and he wouldn't have been successful without her there so he didn't have to worry about home and raising children and what not. Which i agree with. But then my brother came up with HUGE, very convincing arguement... until he ended it with;

"All she has to do, in the words of Eddie Murphy, is sleep with the man!"

Wow, his law degree and is amazing.

(want some sugar, sugar?)

Revelations? [20 Aug 2006|11:11am]
I've just found a picture of my mum...And despite spending my whole life thinking that i (or any of my other siblings in fact) don't look like either parent, i see i have my mother's eyes...its nice.

(7 (>o<) want some sugar, sugar?)

Disturbed Dreamer... [13 Aug 2006|07:33pm]
Right, i was going to update earlier but was booted off (my own) computer, but for good reason so i tolerate :P Aren't i magnanomous? But yes, i am, or well was, a disturbed dreamer. Following my rather odd, but nevertheless amusing, last day at the hospital i fell asleep about 8pm to wake up the following day at 9am...Impressive i know.

It was quite restful, i admit, but during one of my many dream hopping stages, i happened upon one particular dream by which i was crying, for what reason i have no idea as it is completely bent on eluding me. I was standing behind a man dressed in white, when i realised it was Greg (Boss)in his chefs uniform, minus the hat. He then quite suddenly, turns around and puts one arm around me, which for some reason i note as surprisingly muscular despite his rather skinny disposition, and then we end up kissing. Rather bad kisses as i remember, inexperienced and rather chapped lips. Now i am utterly confused. Why on earth did i dream this? Do i have some strange inexplicable desire to want him? (i highly doubt) Or is it a vent for some other event in my life that Greg just happens to be a vent for? Hmmm...Anyone care to offer an explanation?

(2 (>o<) want some sugar, sugar?)

Oh dear... [11 Aug 2006|04:34pm]
I admit that i have seriously let myself down in the updating department. But i HAVE been working...to a certain degree...lol but nah i'm just plain lazy!

Though i do have a confession to make...Today was the last day that i would have worked at the hospital, and i thought that they really don't know what i look like without my drab uniform and pulled back bun-ish hair, to the extent that they all thought i was a lot older than 20, 25 was an average. So i thought "Right, that's it." And thus i decided to, after i had finished work, to get dressed into some normal clothes and strut my stuff to them just so that they'd know that i'm not actually a frump. Well i say normal clothes, they weren't exactly jeans and a t shirt, that makes me look too young lol so i wore my black shorts and my vibrant blue vestish long top with the flower netting at the back, and let my hair down and spritz myself with a little Rockin' in Rio. So not exactly really dressing up but i look more than presentable. Sounds really silly and juvenille i'm sure but it was fun and plus they agreed in the end that i really didn't look 25 and did look 20.

Bill (Manager) offered to set me up with his son (21) after i flat out turned him down even after he asked if he could buy me for £1.5 million lol So yes, this was the reason why i was ever so slightly (Really only slightly) overdressed after work, i wanted to shop after anyways so i was heading into town and so would have changed anyways. But yeah this was an amazing boost to my confidence, since i was getting rather much attention from the staff anyways and Callum (another temp, 2 years younger with a rather large tatoo up his arm...silly boy) said he'd walk me to the bus stop. Which is fine and innocent enough, until we walk by a van with a loada workers in it and Callum starts pumpin his arms in the air and pointing at the back of my head (i was looking at the van and turned to catch him doing it) in a victorious dance of sorts....not so innocent afterall lol

The best confidence boost is to yet come. After a car full of lads stopped to let me cross a busy road, an overenthusiatic honking driver braked and got rammed up the arse by another driver XD I think he deserves it, you dont honk people. Its rude.

but yes, i am on a bit of a high atm :) That was until Natalie called me again to say they want me to work next week...so much for my big exit XD Precious is back in the kitchens.

(want some sugar, sugar?)

[28 Jul 2006|09:56pm]
Hehehe this was fun

I escaped from the Dungeon of Belderan!

I killed Cute Baby Bear the fire elemental, Elven Sg1 the leprechaun, Practikalmagik the gelatinous cube, Mentalsarcasm the leprechaun and Welshythetory the zombie.

I looted the Sword of Wish, the Wand of Maison Ikkoku, the Armour of Nintendo, the Dagger of Thumbelina, the Armour of Ranma 1/2, the Sword of Dum Penguin, the Sword of Ayumi Hamasaki, the Armour of Justjacqui, the Axe of Fushigi Yuugi, the Shield of Tirranek, the Crown of Menstrualmiko, the Sceptre of Outlaw Star and 98 gold pieces.

Score: 198

Explore the Dungeon of Belderan and try to beat this score,
or enter your username to generate and explore your own dungeon...

(1 (>o<) want some sugar, sugar?)

POKER! [28 Jul 2006|03:56am]
I played...i won...i rock...Amen

(want some sugar, sugar?)

[25 Jul 2006|05:49pm]
...My father is coming home...YAY!
I've to clean up the house...BOO...
My father is coming home...YAY!
I've just spent the last 4 hours tidying...BOO
I've not the time to exercise today...BOO
After finishing washing the toilets i found a hole in my rubber glove...BOOO!!!!!!

It is hot and i am sweaty and dirty, and to top things off a spider jumped at me and it was fucking huge...Luckily i had the dyson with me so it got ripped to shreds when i hoovered it, bloody bugger. But surprisingly that i am still perky woot! DADDY!!!!!!!!!

(want some sugar, sugar?)

[23 Jul 2006|11:22am]
Haahahaha well Lewis had a fancy dress barbecue yesterday, and even though not as many people turned up as before it was a good party, really chilled out and had a really good time. I went as Lara Croft despite my lack of breasts and lips hahhah but it turned out all right, i'll upload photos when i get them i got a couple of me on Jake's new bike, he traded his old one in and i have to say his new one is pretty smexy.

Hector took the competition by storm and came as the evil villain off of Team America it was SO amazing, that costume *chuckles* again you'll see what i mean when i get the photo's back. My camera unfortunately didn't have any film in it so i'm going to have to rely on Lewis and Emma to let me nab their digital ones.

OH and on another note, i was using one of my guns (borrowed and loaded from lewis) it was a bb gun to target practice. Matt as holding the coke bottle and i shot the cap off of it...although the pellet riquchetted and hit him on his nose ^^; oops.

Dont really have time for a full update now, i'm entertaining emma while she's here for a afew days and might go to mk with nic to a poker night at dear Hector's house which should be fun ^^ Talk later! LOVE!

(1 (>o<) want some sugar, sugar?)

Damn the job! [16 Jul 2006|10:16pm]
I used to be quite happy at lounging about the house all day with nothing to do but respire and look at the tv (Which, by the way, has a broken cathode, so everything looks red. And for some reason blue looks green) But now! NOW!!! I am used to getting up at 6 am and can't sleep past 8 and i feel like a bum because i haven't done anything all weekend. I even contemplated doing a double dose of exercise but settled for just eating everything in sight. INcluding at least 5 scones. I swear i must have eaten at least 3000 calories...and a punnette of strawberries ^^;

Speaking of exercise, i have realised that all this that i am doing has not, as i thought it would, made me lose weight, rather increased my muscle mass and tightened what was there already. So whereas i am not so wobbly as i was before i'm still about the same size though my bum and thighs have reduced in size a little. I'm hoping that if i keep up the exercise (and stop eating like a hoover) i'll shift the extra sizes. I was told i looked like a size 14 the other day. I am ashamed to say i was shocked and very very disappointed in myself. To which i'm redoubling my effort in this endeavour. Especially since my papa is coming home and i wont be able to refuse his cooking *drool*

Chris Rock is on TV, and i have to say he's actually crudely funny XD He was talking about women who like rap don't really give a f*** about how disrespectful the lyrics are as long as there's a good beat behind it...which is true. But it's when he started dancing around the stage making up said lyrics that i started laughing uncontrollably.

Ahhhh dear...i guess its one of those things that you have to see before you understand. Anyway i'm off.

(3 (>o<) want some sugar, sugar?)

[13 Jul 2006|09:19pm]
[ mood | tired ]

Hehehe i like my work. Although there are periods of the day where there is absolutely nothing to do and i stand around singing, the people are nice and have taken quite the liking to me. Maria, the assistant manager asked me the meaning of my name, she said that it was too much of a mouthful so has now renamed me the shortened version lol 'Precious' hehehe.

I dont really know how to take that really. Its nice i suppose, kinda flattering and scary when the porters smile and start conversations with 'you are very precious to us, Precious' hahah

Money money money. That is good mmmmm. Wish i was working the weekends aswell though, because that could mean another 160 quid but they don't open up my area on weekends which is kinda sucky. At least that gives me the opportunity to go back to englefield to pick up some clothes that i'm seriously lacking and also the dress that i'm wearing to Spiffy fantastic Jenni's wedding.

Went to see pirates with her...So good. We were in hysterics during the adverts to the point where i was actually in tears and teh people next to us moved away hahhahhaha oh well never mind.

(want some sugar, sugar?)

Whee! [10 Jul 2006|11:03pm]
[ mood | tired ]

Ok so i'm absolutely knackered cos i got up at some unnecessarily ungodly hour and worked, came back and did another hour of exercise before eating. Now i thought i had just blinked, but apparently i was more tired that i originally thought because 4 hours have disappeared ^^;

Work was fun actually. I forget how much i like to cut things up, foodwise i mean. You can all be assured lol i'm not some manic stalker/killer infact i like you guys far too much to consider ruining my reputation by killing you JOKING JOKING!!!

I'm very efficient though, i got through so much work that they ran out of stock and i was standing around for an hour nattering in front of my boss and he didn't care because he actually didn't have anything for me to do. So all in all i like my job and i think they like me too since they want me to stay on for an extra week after my contracted hours to cover for another person.

The people i work with are lovely, very chatty. I was working with the two guys mainly which lead to the cajoling from my superior managers who seem to elbow eachother as i entered the scene lol I could have imagined that but then when they say 'Oye Oye, No wonder greggs had a smile on his face all morning,' hahaha but its all in good fun and they seem to love that i get the work done well lol.

Anyway, despite the whole 'every hour before midnight is worth two after' i'm still rather tired and think i'm going to go to sleep again. I finally got to buy some more shampoo and conditioner so i'm oozing herbal essence from my pores :P I love that i can smell my hair when the wind blows =P Cheesy i know but i like smelling nice =)

AAAANNNNNYYYway,i'm off to finish watching CSI, i've seen this one already but its got Uncle Phil from The Fresh Prince in it so i want to watch it again hehehe. The i'm going to go back to bed, i think the only reason that i woke up was that i was really thristy and needed more food replenshment lol. I ate more than i should have because i bought some stuff back for my Jennifer but i didn't see her today so creme cakes aren't exactly slimming now. I over ate by about 300 calories but i've exercised today and was on my feet all day so i think my metabolism has burned that much off at least.

Any way enough about weight, Ja na!

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