I've found that i've used Livejournal to vent at the times when i've been at my lowest. Does that mean that i need to start talking to people more? I don't think so, i just don't want the people i have been talking to to get sick of me or really just frown and go shut up stupid girl i'm busy. Not that they would; that is simply my mind going 'well thats what they're thinking.'
Well what i hve to say i suppose is that its finally done. The end has come and the waters are calm. And once again i find that i become a kind of poet when i write. Over flowery prose that romanticises the situation into a crescendo of drama that makes it a much more glamorous prospect that it actually is.
I never thought that the words that pretty much just sum up to 'fuck off and leave me alone' would come up in the conversations that i had with Michael, but pretty much thats what it came down to. I just got so frustrated and angry at how selfish he was being. The perfect example of someone having their cake and eating it at the same time i suppose. I'm confident writing this in my livejournal since the only friends that i have on here are people i actually know and will always care about me.
The situation is that Michael and i never actually got back together after our second break up which i know many of you will frown upon cos we did end up sleeping together quite a few times after that and spent time together. So essentially, while neither of us admitted it, we were together but not officially. Now time passed and Michael is going to Ireland for a business trip, which made me force myself to see the situation and basically asked him if we should stop whatever it was we were doing for good.
After getting over the initial misunderstanding (he said he wasn't coming to see me before he was leaving for 2 months, to which i said on the unrelatedness of him not seeing me that we should end things. He thought i was pissed at him not coming to see me, which while i was a little that wasn't why i brought it up. I had been thinking about us never working out for a very long time... Doesn't stop you from caring about someone though.) So yes, after the initial misunderstanding it came down to me bringing up the fact that he still can't give me what i need...and i don't think that what i want is too much to ask in any normal situation. But never being able to receive love from the person that you feel that you could fall in love with is something that hurts beyond belief.
I'm not saying that i was like 'LOVE ME BITCH' lol not that at all, i just needed the reassurance that there was a POSSIBILITY of him ever truly having pure affections for me. I'm not in love with Michael, i can say that truthfully, but i do love him. I can't say that for him.
When i say i was sick of his selfishness, i was referring to the fact that while he freely admitted really not being able to open up to me and not loving me, he was unwilling to let me go. He said so many things that i know he does mean, but it's not enough. Yes, i know he cares about me and i know that he enjoys my company and i also know that its not all about the sex. Despite him being able to say 'i care about you so much and i'm so scared of losing you because i care about you so much' i can't stand being simply company anymore.
Yes, you may care about me Michael, but you have no idea how much it hurts to be constantly held at a distance. Even when i was lying with you, in your arms, i could feel that you were so distant. I was so happy, those short times where you truly were carefree with me. When you were laughing so hard that you almost lost control driving. When you sung so badly in english to Japanese songs. But the fact remains is that those were tiny glimpses, a miniscule percentage of the time we spent together. I was always waiting for those times that are so rare. And while people might say that i was greedy to ask for more, thats just the way it is. Isn't it a natural reaction to mean more to a person you hold so dear?
I am not just going to stand by and be just another person to him.
I'm not going to let myself think that i'm not enough for you.
Because essentially that is what you are saying. As much as you say you care about me and that it hurts you that your losing me, its not enough for you to let me in and i can't ask so little from you. Not when i want to give you so much.
And so this is my goodbye. My end to my first. It's taken three months. Can you imagine? We became a couple on November 8th 2006. We first broke up on the 22nd February 2007, which made it 3 and a 1/2 months, it took another three months to cut ties completely. I always knew that emotions made things cloudy, but experiencing it is something completely different. I know that it will probably be another few months before i'm able to think of Michael as just a friend. Well he'll never be just a friend, but to be able to think of Michael and for it to not hurt. To think of him and completely not want to be with him. To be able to be happy for him for when he finally finds a person worthwhile enough for him to open up again, because so far, that time isn't now, and that person is most definitely not me.
I am sad, but i wont be for long. I have wonderful friends, and i'm about to end my exams and be free for a few months at least. I have a career to look forward to that i know i will love, and a life that has barely begun yet. I'm not going to let one person hold me back now.
Back to work!!! Bring it on!